Chapter Four

Chapter Four

I Find Myself Royally Fucked


I fidgeted in the chair, my back straight, legs slightly apart; fingers restless on my knees. My eyes kept sneaking their way past my conscious control and I would find myself staring at my crotch. Every time this would happen, I would mumble a few choice words beneath my breath and jerk my head up to stare at the crappy abstract oil hanging on the wall opposite me. The waiting room for Headmaster Slater’s office was filled with generic paintings just like the one I was currently staring at.

Well, at least I still thought they were all crappy. My artistic tastes hadn’t changed. Maybe I was still me. “I’m still me,” I whispered to myself in the deep voice I hardly recognized.

I’m sure Ms. Perry thought I was insane.

I sure as hell did.

What I couldn’t get was why everyone thought I was “Mr. Lane,” including Ms. Perry. She had introduced herself and welcomed me by that name when Mr. Rellik had led me in. Her face had fallen slightly when she had glanced at what I was wearing. And rightly so. My polo now barely reached the sagging tops of my jeans, which were way too fucking tight, and my tennis shoes were clearly bulging, laces undone. And who knew what my hair looked like.

Now, whenever I would glance in her direction, she would quickly look down at whatever mystery work she was typing up on her computer. Then, whenever the phone would ring, she would talk very quietly into the receiver, as if she didn’t want me to hear her.

Just then the door to Headmaster Slater’s office opened and Mr. Rellik stepped out. Ms. Perry and I both jumped. Mr. Rellik smiled kindly at the Headmaster’s Assistant. “The Headmaster will see Ryan now,” he said, nodding in my direction.

Okay. My name is apparently Ryan. Ryan Lane. I could handle that. Ryan could be a girl’s name.

No! My name is Fiona. Not Ryan. I felt my cheeks flush.

Shit. I really was insane.

“Go ahead, Mr. Lane,” Mr. Rellik prompted, his arm extended toward the door.

Feeling numb, I stood up, pushing my fingers into my front pockets to try and covertly pull my jeans down and away. I was hating my underwear now. I mean, really fucking hating them. Ducking my head, I stalked awkwardly past Mr. Rellik and Ms. Perry, whose stares I could heatedly feel on the back of my newly-shorn head like they had lasers for eyes.

When the door shut behind me, Headmaster Slater looked up from a piece of paper he was holding and smiled. I had seen him a few times about campus, but hadn’t been in his office since my first day at St. Xavier’s, almost exactly one year ago. According to the students, the man was a mystery. Not at all like his Assistant Head of School, Mr. Rellik. The Headmaster wasn’t intimidating, or even overly authoritative, though he was a steely man. His hair was peppery and slicked to the side, though he wasn’t balding. His eyes were a dull gray but surrounded by laugh lines. It was an odd combination.

As I took a small step forward, he stood up and offered his free hand for me to shake. After a second’s hesitation, I reached forward and shook it, glancing at the paper he was still holding. On it, I saw it was addressed to Slater, and in the first line I saw the name Ryan Lane.

“Mr. Lane. Welcome to St. Xavier’s.” He released my hand. “We are so pleased to add another exemplary Lane to our student body.”

Another Lane? “You mean Fiona?” I blurted before I could stop myself.

The Headmaster’s gray eyes darkened. “Yes. It’s just terrible about your cousin falling ill. And on her first day back.” Slater set down the paper. “She is in our thoughts and prayers, Ryan.”

I didn’t know what was weirder. That I was Ryan, that I was also apparently sick, or that Headmaster Slater said I was in his thoughts and prayers when I was standing right in front of him.

Also, I am apparently my own cousin.

I have no cousins. My mother is an only child. My father has one brother who never married and is, as far as I know, childless.

I sat down in one of the two visitors chairs before my stomach could convince its contents to spew out of my mouth.

Headmaster Slater sat as well, shuffling a few papers around on his desk.

As he did so, my consciousness finally caught up with something my brain had thought of a few seconds earlier. Slater had said Fiona was sick—that I was sick.

Maybe all of this was some sort of coma-induced nightmare. Maybe I was lying in some hospital, tubes hooked up to generators, my parents hovering about me in agitated worry.

Wouldn’t that be nice.

Sort of.

In the meantime, I’m stuck in this alternate universe known as Hell, an unwanted package in my pants, a new mystery identity, and not a soul who would believe that I wasn’t Ryan Lane.

And what did that say about me if I was imagining myself a man?

“Mr. Lane?” Headmaster Slater was looking at me, waiting politely for a response. “Are you feeling well? You look a little pale.”

I was sure I looked more than “a little pale,” but I shook my head. “No, I’m fine. I’m sorry, I was thinking about…about Fiona.”

Shit, this was weird.

Headmaster Slater nodded his head sympathetically. “Indeed.” With a quick gesture, he pulled a small pink slip from a tray on his oak desk. “But it’s not good to dwell on such things. Don’t worry Mr. Lane, we have the perfect remedy for your concern. Perhaps it would be best to immerse yourself in your new life here at St. Xavier’s.” He smiled kindly, as if he really understood what I was going through. Not in a million fucking years. “I have here your class schedule, and I have taken the liberty to include my cell phone number, in case you get lost. Normally new students are assigned a peer tour guide, to help them learn the campus, but as your guide was Fiona, well...”

I tried to ignore the irony of this statement.

Slater had paused like he was waiting for something. “Uh, thank you, Headmaster Slater. But I’m sure I’ll be able to find my way around. I have a pretty good sense of direction.”

Slater nodded. “Good, good. But just in case, you will find a map of the campus in your dorm room. Your personal belongings are waiting for you there—all delivered this morning. Now,” he said in his most serious voice yet. “We received all your paperwork over a month ago—“

I began to sweat again. Unfortunately, this made things down there even more uncomfortable. I shifted slightly in my chair, trying to keep myself from panicking. Could I really be making all this up? Was everything I was experiencing just an outpouring of my subconscious while the real me lay sick in a hospital?

Doubt crowded my heart like fog on a bridge.

“—we just need your signature on the student behavior contract.” Slater lifted another piece of paper from a tray, and handed both it and the pink class schedule to me. I reached out with my unfamiliar arm to grab it. I set the contract on the edge of his desk, trying to keep my hands from shaking, pulled a ballpoint pen out of the stainless steel cup beside his monitor, and pretended to read it. I had to get out of here. I had to be alone so I could try and figure out what was happening to me.

More importantly, I had to get out of these fucking underwear.

“Once you fill that out,” Slater nodded at the paper, “your file will be completed and you may begin classes tomorrow.”

My file? Oh, I had to see that. Maybe I could get some answers that made sense.

Maybe I should just go visit myself in the hospital, or wherever the hell I was.

My stomach clenched.

Maybe I shouldn’t.

I had to concentrate as I signed “my” name. At least I had the surname down. As soon as I had finished, I stood quickly, thrusting the contract at the Headmaster.

He stood as well. “It was a pleasure meeting you Mr. Lane. I hope you find our school a great fit for you.”

“Thank you, sir,” I mumbled, trying to get the hell out of there as fast as possible.

“Your roommate is waiting outside to show you to your new home here.” The Headmaster smiled again, his steel gray eyes crinkling.

I froze, my heart racing. Shit. Of course. I couldn’t room with Alice now. I was a fucking guy. I felt my eyes begin to water. I nodded quickly at Slater and turned to the door so he wouldn’t see that I was on the verge of crying.

Actually, this was sort of a relief.

Finally, a recognized emotion in an unrecognizable body. I felt like curling up and crying. For a long, long time.

I stepped out the door. Ms. Perry was watching me though she was trying really hard to hide it.

And in front of her desk, waiting impatiently and looking peeved, was my new roommate.

Now I was going to throw up.

“Hey,” he said blandly. “Welcome to St. Xavier’s.”

It was Logan Rellik—my new roommate.

Fuck.


Entire Novel
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Five
Chapter Six